The 25th Annual Putnam County
Spelling Bee Audition Selections
PLEASE NOTE THAT SINGING SELECTIONS ARE LOCATED BELOW THE SIDES (SPEAKING SELECTIONS)
SIDES
CHIP TOLENTINO (with Panch)
PANCH: Tittup
CHIP: What?
PANCH: The word is: TITTUP.
CHIP: Definition please.
PANCH: It means “lively movement or behavior”, or “to move restlessly.” It refers to the sound of horses hooves. -tittup, tittup, tittup.
CHIP: Tittup. T... I...(reluctantly, but he knows it) T... U – Oh wait. Two t’s. You heard both, right? Backing up, T-I-T-T-U-P. Tittup
(Ding)
PANCH: I’m sorry, the correct spelling is T-I-T-T-U-P. Tittup.
CHIP: That’s exactly what I said.
PANCH: No you said “T-I-T-U- Oh wait, two ts…
CHIP: No! But, I wasn’t sure if you heard both t’s. I obviously know how to spell it... That’s not fair. I got it right. I can’t get out on a word I spelled right.
Miss Peretti, can I have one more chance? Please?
LEAF CONEYBEAR
(Phone rings. A flashback to the moment when he found out he’s in.)
Thanks! I got it! Hello, Leaf speaking. Uh, huh. Uh, huh. Uh, huh. You’re kidding? I’m gonna represent the Basin in the bee? Wow, I can’t believe it. Mom, Dad, Marigold, Brook, Pinecone, Raisin, Landscape, Paul - you’re not going to believe this! I made the county finals in the spelling bee!
(LEAF’S FAMILY laughs.)
I know! but they just called and said the person who came in first has to go to their bat mitzvah, and the person who came in second... has to attend the bat mitzvah, so they want me to do it!
RONA LISA PERRETTI
Ladies and Gentlemen, all the children you see on stage are here because of their extraordinary ability and love of language—but only one of them can go on to compete in the National Spelling Bee! Hello, I’m Rona Lisa Peretti, and I’m pleased to be back for my 9th consecutive year as your host. Unfortunately, our usual word pronouncer, Superintendent Spriggs has [fallen ill]*, so please join me in welcoming Vice Principal Douglas Panch from Lake Hemingway-Dos Passos Junior High. Vice Principal Panch is returning to us after a five-year – so thank you Douglas for stepping in on such short notice.*
*you may substitute a short Ad-lib, topical or otherwise, for “fallen ill”.
RONA: Miss Park speaks 5 languages.
MARCY: No I don't.
RONA: Don't you? Oh, ok...well, it says you won your school's gifted writing contest.
MARCY: Does it also say I only sleep 3 hours a night and I hide in the bathroom cabinet and I'm not allowed to cry?
RONA: Uh...no it does not say that.
MARCY: Well, it should. By the way...I speak 6 languages!
WILLIAM BARFEE (with Chip and Olive)
(CHIP throws a package of peanut M&Ms at Barfee.)
What are you -- nuts?! (sees what it is) Nuts! You threw the yellow ones! Will someone pick up the p – p - p ? I can’t be near the peanuts!
(OLIVE comes and picks up the package. Gives it back to Chip)
You could be disqualified for that – if you hadn’t already been eliminated!
CHIP: You know something, Barf: I may have lost, but you are the biggest loser here.
Oh yeah? Well, that is a common misperception.
[BARFEE shouts ad-libs at Chip as he exits, eg: “This is a bully-free zone” etc]
OLIVE: Sorry about that- William, right? I’m Olive.
BARFEE: I know your name. Look, I do not need pity from a person named after a vegetable.
OLIVE: It’s a fruit.
BARFEE: Well it’s a disgusting fruit, and I can’t keep them down.
OLIVE: Oh.
BARFEE: I guess it’s okay for a name though.
OLIVE: Did you know that if you switch the first two vowels in “olive” it becomes “I love” ?
BARFEE: (thinks about it) Did you know that if you switch the first two vowels in “William” it becomes “William”?
OLIVE: Yeah but you can switch the next two –then it’s “will aim”.
BARFEE: Are these really the kind of things you think about?
OLIVE: Um. Yeah?
BARFEE: Okay. I’m more of a science guy myself
OLIVE: Well you’re also a really great speller.
BARFEE: Yeah? Thanks.
MARCY PARK
Dear Jesus, can’t you come up with a harder word than that?
(responding to JESUS’s voice, which she hears clearly in her head)
Jesus? Hi! How are you? Jesus... I was wondering what would happen if I didn’t win today. What I mean is, would you be disappointed with me if I lost?
You’re saying it’s up to me then?
(she returns to spelling) Camouflage. C-A-M...O-U
(still deciding) F - L. ..A... J
(and as soon as she dares miss the first letter, she takes more and more joy in getting it wrong)... Z!!...H!!!
Camaflajzh!
RONA: Miss Park speaks 5 languages.
MARCY: No I don't.
RONA: Don't you? Oh, ok...well, it says you won your school's gifted writing contest.
MARCY: Does it also say I only sleep 3 hours a night and I hide in the bathroom cabinet and I'm not allowed to cry?
RONA: Uh...no it does not say that.
MARCY: Well, it should. By the way...I speak 6 languages!
OLIVE OSTROVSKY
OLIVE: Sorry about that- William, right? I’m Olive.
BARFEE: I know your name. Look, I do not need pity from a person named after a vegetable.
OLIVE: It’s a fruit.
BARFEE: Well it’s a disgusting fruit, and I can’t keep them down.
OLIVE: Oh.
BARFEE: I guess it’s okay for a name though.
OLIVE: Did you know that if you switch the first two vowels in “olive” it becomes “I love” ?
BARFEE: (thinks about it) Did you know that if you switch the first two vowels in “William” it becomes “William”?
OLIVE: Yeah but you can switch the next two –then it’s “will aim”.
BARFEE: Are these really the kind of things you think about?
OLIVE: Um. Yeah?
BARFEE: Okay. I’m more of a science guy myself
OLIVE: Well you’re also a really great speller.
BARFEE: Yeah? Thanks.
VICE PRINCIPAL DOUGLAS PANCH
Thank you Rona, and I would like to say as to the incident 5 years ago, I’m in a much better place now. It’s amazing what a change of diet can do for a man. Thank you. And may I add... (complementing Rona) Ms. Peretti here is not only one of Putnam County’s top realtors, she’s also a former spelling champion herself. Beautiful. And now for the Pledge of Allegiance led by our comfort counselor (Checks the writing on the palm of his hand) Mr. Mitchell M. Mahoney.
PANCH: Tittup
CHIP: What?
PANCH: The word is: TITTUP.
CHIP: Definition please.
PANCH: It means “lively movement or behavior”, or “to move restlessly.” It refers to the sound of horses hooves. -tittup, tittup, tittup.
CHIP: Tittup. T... I...(reluctantly, but he knows it) T... U – Oh wait. Two t’s. You heard both, right? Backing up, T-I-T-T-U-P. Tittup
(Ding)
PANCH: I’m sorry, the correct spelling is T-I-T-T-U-P. Tittup.
CHIP: That’s exactly what I said.
PANCH: No you said “T-I-T-U- Oh wait, two ts…
CHIP: No! But, I wasn’t sure if you heard both t’s. I obviously know how to spell it... That’s not fair. I got it right. I can’t get out on a word I spelled right.
Miss Peretti, can I have one more chance? Please?
MITCH (OR MEG) MAHONEY
You can’t comfort these darn kids. They don’t yet know that the good don’t always win, so there’s nothing you can say to cheer them up when they lose. I want to tell them disappointment doesn’t last—but from what I’ve seen disappointment lasts. I want to tell them words don’t matter; but from what I’ve seen words can get you killed. I just want to beat them up a little, so they understand that pain has degrees, and this is nothing—this is nothing, you little freaks. But that would violate my parole. So I do what I can. I give them a hug and a juice box. I’m here to give comfort.
LOGAINNE SCHWARTZANDGRUBENNIERE
*Please either write and prepare your own short, topical speech for the audition, or choose from one below.
1) Doesn’t anybody else here care about the rules?
(and seeing an opportunity she goes to the microphone and makes a political speech. )
This bee is as confusing for me as Father's Day! As the daughter of 2 gay dads, I'd like to know who scheduled Father's Day and Gay Pride weekend within 7 days of each other?! Well anyway, to celebrate Gay Father's Pride week, which is what we call it in my family, we went to go see "Cinderella Man" - but it wasn't exactly what we were expecting.
2) Doesn’t anybody else here care about the rules?
(and seeing an opportunity she goes to the microphone and makes a political speech. )
This bee is about as misguided as the current administration! With the Patriot Act about to expire, President Trump was quoted in this week’s NY Times as saying "in times of terrorism, some civil liberties must be sacrificed. But I will do my best to protect them." As a progressive, half-Jewish, mixed race child of 2 gay fathers, I really don't think he's got my civil liberties in mind.
SIDES
CHIP TOLENTINO (with Panch)
PANCH: Tittup
CHIP: What?
PANCH: The word is: TITTUP.
CHIP: Definition please.
PANCH: It means “lively movement or behavior”, or “to move restlessly.” It refers to the sound of horses hooves. -tittup, tittup, tittup.
CHIP: Tittup. T... I...(reluctantly, but he knows it) T... U – Oh wait. Two t’s. You heard both, right? Backing up, T-I-T-T-U-P. Tittup
(Ding)
PANCH: I’m sorry, the correct spelling is T-I-T-T-U-P. Tittup.
CHIP: That’s exactly what I said.
PANCH: No you said “T-I-T-U- Oh wait, two ts…
CHIP: No! But, I wasn’t sure if you heard both t’s. I obviously know how to spell it... That’s not fair. I got it right. I can’t get out on a word I spelled right.
Miss Peretti, can I have one more chance? Please?
LEAF CONEYBEAR
(Phone rings. A flashback to the moment when he found out he’s in.)
Thanks! I got it! Hello, Leaf speaking. Uh, huh. Uh, huh. Uh, huh. You’re kidding? I’m gonna represent the Basin in the bee? Wow, I can’t believe it. Mom, Dad, Marigold, Brook, Pinecone, Raisin, Landscape, Paul - you’re not going to believe this! I made the county finals in the spelling bee!
(LEAF’S FAMILY laughs.)
I know! but they just called and said the person who came in first has to go to their bat mitzvah, and the person who came in second... has to attend the bat mitzvah, so they want me to do it!
RONA LISA PERRETTI
Ladies and Gentlemen, all the children you see on stage are here because of their extraordinary ability and love of language—but only one of them can go on to compete in the National Spelling Bee! Hello, I’m Rona Lisa Peretti, and I’m pleased to be back for my 9th consecutive year as your host. Unfortunately, our usual word pronouncer, Superintendent Spriggs has [fallen ill]*, so please join me in welcoming Vice Principal Douglas Panch from Lake Hemingway-Dos Passos Junior High. Vice Principal Panch is returning to us after a five-year – so thank you Douglas for stepping in on such short notice.*
*you may substitute a short Ad-lib, topical or otherwise, for “fallen ill”.
RONA: Miss Park speaks 5 languages.
MARCY: No I don't.
RONA: Don't you? Oh, ok...well, it says you won your school's gifted writing contest.
MARCY: Does it also say I only sleep 3 hours a night and I hide in the bathroom cabinet and I'm not allowed to cry?
RONA: Uh...no it does not say that.
MARCY: Well, it should. By the way...I speak 6 languages!
WILLIAM BARFEE (with Chip and Olive)
(CHIP throws a package of peanut M&Ms at Barfee.)
What are you -- nuts?! (sees what it is) Nuts! You threw the yellow ones! Will someone pick up the p – p - p ? I can’t be near the peanuts!
(OLIVE comes and picks up the package. Gives it back to Chip)
You could be disqualified for that – if you hadn’t already been eliminated!
CHIP: You know something, Barf: I may have lost, but you are the biggest loser here.
Oh yeah? Well, that is a common misperception.
[BARFEE shouts ad-libs at Chip as he exits, eg: “This is a bully-free zone” etc]
OLIVE: Sorry about that- William, right? I’m Olive.
BARFEE: I know your name. Look, I do not need pity from a person named after a vegetable.
OLIVE: It’s a fruit.
BARFEE: Well it’s a disgusting fruit, and I can’t keep them down.
OLIVE: Oh.
BARFEE: I guess it’s okay for a name though.
OLIVE: Did you know that if you switch the first two vowels in “olive” it becomes “I love” ?
BARFEE: (thinks about it) Did you know that if you switch the first two vowels in “William” it becomes “William”?
OLIVE: Yeah but you can switch the next two –then it’s “will aim”.
BARFEE: Are these really the kind of things you think about?
OLIVE: Um. Yeah?
BARFEE: Okay. I’m more of a science guy myself
OLIVE: Well you’re also a really great speller.
BARFEE: Yeah? Thanks.
MARCY PARK
Dear Jesus, can’t you come up with a harder word than that?
(responding to JESUS’s voice, which she hears clearly in her head)
Jesus? Hi! How are you? Jesus... I was wondering what would happen if I didn’t win today. What I mean is, would you be disappointed with me if I lost?
You’re saying it’s up to me then?
(she returns to spelling) Camouflage. C-A-M...O-U
(still deciding) F - L. ..A... J
(and as soon as she dares miss the first letter, she takes more and more joy in getting it wrong)... Z!!...H!!!
Camaflajzh!
RONA: Miss Park speaks 5 languages.
MARCY: No I don't.
RONA: Don't you? Oh, ok...well, it says you won your school's gifted writing contest.
MARCY: Does it also say I only sleep 3 hours a night and I hide in the bathroom cabinet and I'm not allowed to cry?
RONA: Uh...no it does not say that.
MARCY: Well, it should. By the way...I speak 6 languages!
OLIVE OSTROVSKY
OLIVE: Sorry about that- William, right? I’m Olive.
BARFEE: I know your name. Look, I do not need pity from a person named after a vegetable.
OLIVE: It’s a fruit.
BARFEE: Well it’s a disgusting fruit, and I can’t keep them down.
OLIVE: Oh.
BARFEE: I guess it’s okay for a name though.
OLIVE: Did you know that if you switch the first two vowels in “olive” it becomes “I love” ?
BARFEE: (thinks about it) Did you know that if you switch the first two vowels in “William” it becomes “William”?
OLIVE: Yeah but you can switch the next two –then it’s “will aim”.
BARFEE: Are these really the kind of things you think about?
OLIVE: Um. Yeah?
BARFEE: Okay. I’m more of a science guy myself
OLIVE: Well you’re also a really great speller.
BARFEE: Yeah? Thanks.
VICE PRINCIPAL DOUGLAS PANCH
Thank you Rona, and I would like to say as to the incident 5 years ago, I’m in a much better place now. It’s amazing what a change of diet can do for a man. Thank you. And may I add... (complementing Rona) Ms. Peretti here is not only one of Putnam County’s top realtors, she’s also a former spelling champion herself. Beautiful. And now for the Pledge of Allegiance led by our comfort counselor (Checks the writing on the palm of his hand) Mr. Mitchell M. Mahoney.
PANCH: Tittup
CHIP: What?
PANCH: The word is: TITTUP.
CHIP: Definition please.
PANCH: It means “lively movement or behavior”, or “to move restlessly.” It refers to the sound of horses hooves. -tittup, tittup, tittup.
CHIP: Tittup. T... I...(reluctantly, but he knows it) T... U – Oh wait. Two t’s. You heard both, right? Backing up, T-I-T-T-U-P. Tittup
(Ding)
PANCH: I’m sorry, the correct spelling is T-I-T-T-U-P. Tittup.
CHIP: That’s exactly what I said.
PANCH: No you said “T-I-T-U- Oh wait, two ts…
CHIP: No! But, I wasn’t sure if you heard both t’s. I obviously know how to spell it... That’s not fair. I got it right. I can’t get out on a word I spelled right.
Miss Peretti, can I have one more chance? Please?
MITCH (OR MEG) MAHONEY
You can’t comfort these darn kids. They don’t yet know that the good don’t always win, so there’s nothing you can say to cheer them up when they lose. I want to tell them disappointment doesn’t last—but from what I’ve seen disappointment lasts. I want to tell them words don’t matter; but from what I’ve seen words can get you killed. I just want to beat them up a little, so they understand that pain has degrees, and this is nothing—this is nothing, you little freaks. But that would violate my parole. So I do what I can. I give them a hug and a juice box. I’m here to give comfort.
LOGAINNE SCHWARTZANDGRUBENNIERE
*Please either write and prepare your own short, topical speech for the audition, or choose from one below.
1) Doesn’t anybody else here care about the rules?
(and seeing an opportunity she goes to the microphone and makes a political speech. )
This bee is as confusing for me as Father's Day! As the daughter of 2 gay dads, I'd like to know who scheduled Father's Day and Gay Pride weekend within 7 days of each other?! Well anyway, to celebrate Gay Father's Pride week, which is what we call it in my family, we went to go see "Cinderella Man" - but it wasn't exactly what we were expecting.
2) Doesn’t anybody else here care about the rules?
(and seeing an opportunity she goes to the microphone and makes a political speech. )
This bee is about as misguided as the current administration! With the Patriot Act about to expire, President Trump was quoted in this week’s NY Times as saying "in times of terrorism, some civil liberties must be sacrificed. But I will do my best to protect them." As a progressive, half-Jewish, mixed race child of 2 gay fathers, I really don't think he's got my civil liberties in mind.
|
"I’M NOT THAT SMART" (Coneybear) - YOUTUBE LINK
I'm not that smart My siblings have been telling me that for years- That I'm not smart We're schooled at home They see who's bright It breaks my heart I'm not that smart (spoken) Guess what? Y'know what? Guess what? (sung) I have a gentle personality Which you'll all agree is an anath'ma to my more aggressive family Everyone keeps swatting (dumb kid!) Everyone keeps yelling (dumb kid!) How could a flea Such as me Think he'd be good at spelling? How? I don't know "MAGIC FOOT" (Barfee) - YOUTUBE LINK (spoken) Okay, let’s see what we got here, Foot. H-a-s-e-n — Hasen P-f-e-f-f — pfeff! E-r — Let’s-go! (sung) Magic foot Be specific Magic foot It’s horrific if you’re not specific Magic foot I’m terrific when I make a word With my foot Magic foot "MY UNFORTUNATE ERECTION" (Chip) - YOUTUBE LINK It is tradition That the person eliminated From the competition Is fair-game for derision Especially the alpha-male Who'll sell goodies at the bake sale Anyone for brownies? Anyone for choc'late chips? Anyone for anything that isn’t dated? How could I Have been Elim- Inated? You wanna know how? You wanna know how? You wanna know why? My unfortunate erection Is destroying my perfection It is my recollection That everything I once did I did perfectly "PRAYER OF THE COMFORT COUNSELOR" (Mitch or Meg) - YOUTUBE LINK My friend, you will be missed But now go with dignity This ends but first on our list You can go with pride You’ve been the best-looking dude We’ve had all day You’re a real smart dude as well Now go home and spell Give your squeeze some affection C'mon make a connection Spell with patience and care That dude is my prayer |
"MY FRIEND THE DICTIONARY" (Olive) - YOUTUBE LINK
Oh, wait. One second. Please ma'am, could you not sit in that seat? I saved a chair for my dad In the fourth row on the aisle And it may take him a while But when he gets here That's his chair 'Cause my mother's in an ashram In India I saved a chair for her too But it's merely symbolic As daily she washes herself in the Ganges And I live in a house Where there's an oversized dictionary That I read As a girl On the toilet "MY FAVORITE MOMENT" (Rona) - YOUTUBE LINK Before anyone is disqualified And before proceedings turn snide And contestants turns nasty I soberly confide In the moment before the Bee Claims its first catastrophe I love what I see Kids acting innocently It's my favorite moment of the Bee Rona's favorite moment of the Bee. "WOE IS ME" (Schwarzy) - YOUTUBE LINK I hope you can love me, America I’m gunning for first prize! Here’s why you should love me, America My needs I cannot overemphasize I make myself crazy Being what my dads hope I’ll be But what about me, dads? What about me? Jesus Christ! What about me? Though I practice yoga, I don’t breathe I try not to disappoint But still I Disappoint the dads Who my friends mock Kids are mean Kids’ll talk All my so-called "friends" Roll their eyes They’re incredibly petty Because my dads are my dads And alright enough already Woe is me Woe is me Which is why I gotta win this spelling bee "I SPEAK SIX LANGUAGES" (Marcy) - YOUTUBE LINK I speak six languages Oh, six Every language easy Easy as the recipe for making Jell-O I speak six languages And I can say hello In at least seven more She's also a champion rugby player To excel in athletics is not difficult if one has the temperament Apparently I have the temperament Yes I score some goals So unfazed am I As my life unscrolls Unamazed am I I don't like to brag And I won't 'cause I don't have to But, I speak six languages All-American in hockey And anything I do I do without getting sore I speak six languages And I like the theme from Rocky Though I play Mozart more |
